How do you deal with your partner's burnout? How do you (recognize) his or her pain? A burnout is like an oil slick, it affects not only the behavior and being of your partner and your relationship but also the whole life around you: dealing with children, friends ... It goes without saying that this also requires a lot of energy from you. Travvant coach Sabine Havelaerts tells you how to support your partner in his or her burnout.
Helping someone with burnout
If you want to help someone with burnout, it is helpful to know what is going on. Only then can you explain your partner's behavior and, as a result, perhaps understand it better. I would like to give you some more explanation ...
How burnout occurs
Burnout occurs after a prolonged period (often years) of preying on your body. Someone with burnout has ignored their stress and tension symptoms for a long period of time and just kept going. Usually burnout is linked to work and working conditions but the cause of burnout may be seen much more broadly. Personal characteristics such as fear of failure, perfectionism, excessive sense of responsibility and factors outside of work (family, friends, drastic personal events) also play an important role in the development of burnout. It is important to always look at this larger unique picture with each person.
To fully understand burnout, it is interesting to also briefly discuss the physiological system of burnout. In a state of stress, our body goes into an alarm phase and stress hormones (including cortisol) deploy to ward off the threat. After a stressful incident, the body recovers and evolves back to a normal state.
In burnout, the body has had to work very hard for an extended period of time to cope with the stress conditions. The body has not had time to physically recover and is exhausted; it can no longer physically compensate for the constant stress. This then results in burnout. Some studies even claim that long-term elevated levels of stress hormones can lead to permanent brain damage and damage to the immune system.
Symptoms of burnout
It is difficult to identify all the symptoms of burnout to describe. They vary from person to person and can sometimes resemble symptoms that occur with depression, winter fatigue or simply chronic pains. We divide the symptoms of burnout into three categories:
- Physical symptoms of burnout
Poor sleep, physical pains, change in appetite (eating more or less), decreased resistance to infections, palpitations, increased blood pressure ... - Psychological symptoms of burnout
Mentally tired, insecure, less confident, overly involved but distant over time, short fuse, rigid, anxious, forgetful ... - Behavioral changes in case of burnout
Decreased performance and more mistakes, seeking less social contacts, smoking more, eating differently, often sitting dazed in the chair ... The importance here lies mainly in how different the behavior is from before.
How can I help my partner in his or her burnout?
I can hear you thinking ... all well and good, I now know what burnout is and know the characteristics but how can I break this vicious cycle? I give some do's and don'ts that can help you get started together.
- It is important to find an appropriate opportunity to talk about the situation with your partner. It is not easy for someone with burnout to recognize it for themselves but more importantly to acknowledge that there is a problem. A good start for you as a partner can therefore be to talk about some possible changes (physical, behavioral ...) that you have noticed in your partner and that worry you. Just being able to talk about this can already give you and your partner some kind of relief. If possible - if your partner is willing - an appointment with the family doctor for further follow-up may be a good next step.
- Always try to listen to your partner's needs and difficulties from an open mind. This is not an easy task. Often you yourself are very busy with the organization of the whole family and/or you have some demons in your head... Yet it is important to take a moment together to reflect on what is really happening inside someone and talk about it. The idea is not to immediately look for a solution to the problem but just listen and make time. The ground under your partner's feet is completely gone for a while. Therefore, it means a lot to him or her if you can create a safe environment where he or she can be himself or herself and just tell you how he or she feels. Know that you cannot change the situation, you can only make it more bearable. Ultimately, it is your partner himself or herself who alone can initiate his or her recovery; you can only cheer and support on the sidelines. Every burnout is a personal, intimate experience.
- It is quite possible that your partner seeks conflict out of some sort of powerlessness and/or says really ugly things to you. Certainly try not to get caught up in the conflict or take things said personally. It is actually the powerlessness of burnout that is speaking here. It is not bad to initially avoid unnecessary conflict situations (about who forgot to turn on the dishwasher, who didn't twist the cap of the toothpaste on the tube ...) and not make cutting remarks yourself.
- "All well and good, but what about my wellbeing?" I hear you say. I don't think it's a bad idea to tap into some resources yourself that can help you in this situation: a close friend, a family member, a psychologist, a good colleague, someone in your circle who has experienced burnout themselves, or someone who has counseled their partner in burnout. Make sure you can go to these people with your feelings of helplessness, your frustrations and your concerns. In addition, make sure you increase your own resilience and have enough "me-time" so that you can always recharge your batteries yourself .
Finally, I can only wish you lots of courage and success in supporting your partner with burnout. It is often a long road but know that there are many fellow sufferers who are looking with you to support his or her partner during this time.
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