How do I assertively guard my boundaries?
No, setting boundaries to others is not easy. If it were easy, not so many people would have problems with this. Even for myself, this has been a theme all my life. In addition, both in my experience during my past career as people and HR manager as well as currently as business manager of IJK coaching and career coach of Travvant, I find that many people have a hard time guarding their personal boundaries. Moreover, "having difficulty saying no" or not defining your boundaries is also a symptom of perfectionism. Know that you can also continue to work with perfectionism... but first: set boundaries.
What I learned during my personal quest, I am happy to share with you ...
Letting go over your limits creates stress, mentally but also physically. You feel angry or resentful, you feel frustrated or misunderstood, possibly your shoulders are tight or you have a gnawing stomach ache. You lose your energy...
Knowing your limits is already not evident for some people; guarding them is often even more difficult.
And only when you know your own boundaries can you also respond assertively. To be assertive is "to stand up for one's own opinions, needs or interests in a non-offensive, tactful way." So being assertive is as much about stating and protecting your boundaries. To be assertive is to appear confident, to stand in your own power, to stand up for your own self.
Setting boundaries: how do you do it? Follow the following three steps:
Step 1: Define your boundaries
You can only define your boundaries by knowing yourself. In fact, boundaries are linked to your personality, your values and norms. What do you think is important? What can and cannot be done to protect your personal space? Often those values that you consider important also create the most difficult boundaries to guard. If you like to take responsibility, then that is also often a boundary you cross easily. If you find it important that people appreciate you, then you often allow yourself to cross your boundaries because you know that possible appreciation will follow from the person who crosses your boundaries.
So, know yourself! What are your values? Within career counseling, we also work with this. By doing different exercises, you learn what your values are. This is the start to defining your limits.
Define your boundaries concretely and specifically. For example:
- That one task that is no longer my responsibility I want to do one more time at work and explain to a colleague.
- A conflict at work does not have to be negative, but I will not be scolded by a colleague.
- I meet with my friend one more time at that faraway location as she always asks, but next time I want to meet closer to home.
Also see if you can be flexible with certain boundaries. For example: the agreement this time was to meet with my girlfriends at my house, but because one of them is in a cast, I am willing to meet at her place now.
Step 2: Recognize boundaries
When does someone cross your boundary? Can you pinpoint which moment this is? Or why you let people cross your boundaries? Maybe you like helping people and therefore have a hard time saying no even though you would like to? Often you also want to avoid conflict and for that one time prefer to turn a blind eye rather than confrontation. Perhaps you don't react when your boundaries are crossed because you fear the consequences. How will your environment react?
So to guard your boundaries, again, you have to know yourself well
So ask yourself the question, "Are my boundaries (sufficiently) defined?" Or do you know your boundaries but is it rather why your boundaries are crossed that you need to work on? Only when you recognize this about yourself can you also learn to recognize and especially feel when your boundaries are being crossed and can you learn to guard them. Learn to feel when you get that cramp in your stomach, when that tension rises in your neck. Feel when that frustration comes up, when you get angry or go into that defensive posture ...
Step 3: Guarding Your Boundaries
Knowing your boundaries and knowing how, when and/or why they are crossed has to do with your identity. You have to discover this in yourself. Only by making this clear to yourself can you guard your boundaries and make them known to the outside world. This too is Personal Branding: I know what I stand for and I adjust my behavior and communication accordingly, so that it is clear to those around me and they can see me as a confident and assertive person.
Because yes, once you know when your boundaries are crossed, you have a choice! Cross your own boundary, let your boundary be crossed or protect your boundaries and therefore your own mental and physical health.
By setting boundaries, you also provide clarity to those around you and can guard your personal space. By communicating boundaries, you indicate to those around you how you want them to treat you. It's about your personal boundaries. It also means that it is up to you to guard those boundaries. Someone else cannot judge for you when you are crossing your boundary. Also know that a boundary that is not communicated is non-existent.
Maybe your friend doesn't know at all that you resent having to drive an hour each time to see her.
Maybe your colleagues don't know that you hate the one task you specialize in. Setting boundaries provides clarity for yourself, for those around you, now and in the future.
And how do you now guard these boundaries?
Because this does not have to be done in an aggressive way. For example, use the I-model so that you can assertively indicate where your boundary lies. With the I-model you indicate what your boundary is, what your feeling is when this boundary is crossed and all this from your own self, from your own perspective. You don't attack the other person, it's about you ...
I have a limit (I had decided for myself that I would no longer do this task) that is being crossed (yet I am asked to take up these tasks again and again) and this makes me feel (and I don't feel comfortable with this since this is no longer part of my responsibilities and I have a lot of work to do myself) Rather, I would like to ... (Rather, I would like to explain to one of you how to do this task perfectly so that you can take it up yourself from next time).
Do you find it hard to say no?
Look at it a little differently. Saying no to your environment also means saying yes to yourself and what you do want!
- No, I cannot work overtime today because I am saying yes to an evening of swimming with my children.
- No, I can't add your duties at this time because I say yes to the deadlines I am responsible for.
- No, I don't always want to be BOB, because yes I also want to have a nice drink once in a while.
Instead of saying no right away, you can indicate that you need to think about a question for a while or say a little no: "OK, I have 15 minutes right now. If we need more time to discuss this I still have room in my calendar tomorrow at 2 p.m."
Setting boundaries and assertively saying no
Saying no, speaking from the I form, this takes practice! This does not come naturally to everyone. If you have a situation where your boundaries are being crossed and you want to respond assertively, write out what you want to say first. If necessary, start with small boundaries, or with people you like. This way you can quietly practice before you get in front of hot fires. Also be careful not to react from emotion. Sometimes it is better to take a deep breath, count to ten, maybe even separate yourself for a moment before reacting. Be careful not to procrastinate. Don't wait too long to state your boundaries. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes. "But you've never made it a problem to drive the car every time we meet, have you?"
Also pay attention to your body language. Look at people who can be assertive, who are powerful and confident in your eyes. How do they stand? How do they speak? And what can you learn from them?
Setting boundaries: start with a practice period
Don't be too hard on yourself during this practice period either. Practicing means that sometimes you will fail. Still, know that you learn things with every attempt. Review what went wrong and take it with you for next time. And by the way, also know that you don't have to win every conflict. Sometimes your environment forces you to overstep your boundaries.
However, be aware of this and reset your boundary! Because yes, if your environment keeps forcing you to cross your boundaries, then it is necessary to change your environment.
Especially when practicing, people sometimes skip to the other extreme. Don't be rigid and don't view every crossing of a boundary as a serious conflict or fight. Think pragmatically, from a win-win situation and with respect and understanding toward the other. Sometimes alternatives or compromises are possible instead of saying a steely no.
One last tip: also give others time and space to get used to you suddenly guarding your boundaries. Maybe people are not used to it from you at all.
In short, setting boundaries
starts with yourself! Know yourself, start feeling, examine your values and why
you allow people to cross your boundaries.(identity)
Recognize and feel your boundaries and guard them. A boundary not stated or communicated does not exist.(Behavior/communication) Do this consistently and your environment will get a clear picture of what you want and don't want and how they can interact with you.(Image)
And you: do you want to guard your boundaries better?
Do you need help defining your values and exploring your identity, communicating your values in order to build your image? Then get started with Personal Branding! As a career coach, during the sessions we look at the values you find important as well as what you are good at and enjoy doing, what you would like to develop, what professions fit your personality, etc. By listing this you learn how to make things discussable, with your supervisor, with your colleagues ...
Did you know that not being able to say no and not guarding your boundaries is one of the symptoms of perfectionism?
Are you a perfectionist?
Our research shows that unhealthy perfectionism increases the risk of burnout. Moreover, you can address unhealthy perfectionism and turn it into healthy perfectionism you. This can boost your resilience and thus also greatly reduce the risk of burnout.