Why do we always want to be liked anyway? Why do we please so often? And is this more of a female ailment than a male one?
About the latter, research is not clear. There is as much research showing that women are more sensitive to this than research showing that men are equally sensitive to this. Yet culture and upbringing still play a role here. It is still often the case that girls are raised even more with the values of being nice and empathetic versus boys who have to be tough and not be fainthearted.
They are all symptoms of perfectionism and indicate confirmation bias:
- pleas
- can't say no
- always consider others
- avoid conflicts
- compulsively caring for others
- difficulty in giving feedback
- Having expectations and not expressing them
- guilt for not being able to meet the expectations of others
What is the impact of eternal pleasing?
You get bogged down in guilt and stress because:
- you take on too much
- you constantly want to cut yourself in ten to be everywhere at once
- you are getting ahead of yourself
- you do not make time for yourself and for relaxation because you are constantly thinking about the needs of others
and if this continues for a long time ... it can turn into burnout.
Pleasing and perfectionism can thus be seen as a childhood desire to be liked that has not evolved with you into an adult version making you dependent on the approval and appreciation of others. What worked for you as a small child, namely being nice to get more attention from mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, the teacher ... sometimes becomes a struggle and stress for the adult version. So you do nice to others in order to eventually, through the appreciation of others, like yourself as well. Self-esteem then starts with others instead of finding it close to yourself.
What can you do about this?
#1 Break the pattern and set your limits!
Because that's what it is, a pattern you taught yourself but now no longer works. Learning to say no, for example, is a first step. And if you can't say no right away, start with "I'll think about it and come back to you." That way you give yourself time to see what's right for you, feel what's going on and do what's right for you.
#2 Learn to have an eye for the positive
Every night write down for yourself what went well that day, what you are proud of, what gave you pleasure. In this way you will learn to see your positive points from yourself, see what goes well, what you do enjoy ... and you will already be building some self-esteem for yourself.
#3 Do things that you enjoy
Make a Fun Time list of things that you enjoy, that you want to do, that give you energy. You can then schedule these for yourself or with others, but that way you will also learn that time for yourself is worthwhile.
Do you want to address your please behavior?
Then request a free phone consultation with one of our coaches!